Four fast years have passed and it’s nearly over for my original batch mates—JO8A. No, not for me… I’ll be spending another year in this institution before I can finally say my goodbye to studying by the books.

And I can say that the future is uncertain. We can plan all we want but something will always change. I don’t know how to read the future but the forecasts I’d be writing on the succeeding paragraphs will depict how I see each of my batch mates as they take on different paths after graduating from college.

Jose Andronico Wangag will continue his stint as an Entertainment writer in the Manila Standard Today. After some years, his editor, Mr. Isah Red will retire from being the Entertainment editor of the daily. Our very own DAD will of course become the successor of the position. Nicko will be a happy Entertainment journalist and he will also become a happy Dad (for real) to his kids as well. Whoever the fortunate lady dad will be settling down with is still a question… but Dad will find his match anyway. Nicko also loves to teach so he will put up an English school for Koreans after some more years and will make lots of dough out of the business.

Emylyn Castalla will pursue her career as a Lifestyle reporter, also at the Manila Standard Today. After five years, she will find herself as a volunteer of a non-government organization for women empowerment. Ate Em will write for women’s magazines and later on will cross the threshold of politics. She will become a famous political figure because of her advocacy. Despite ate Em’s very busy schedule, she’d still manage to meet her Mr. Right (ehem) namely Elmer Espiritu and have a wonderful family in the future.

Gilbert Monge will start off as a beat reporter in the Philippine Daily Inquirer right after college and will get promoted until he becomes one of the columnists of the daily. Gilbert, while practicing Journalism will also get his Master’s Degree and later on will become a professor at the University of the East. Within our Bert lies the future Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences. And during his leadership, CAS will rise and become the flagship college of the University as it will produce well-known and top-notch graduates in the different fields as far as the Arts and Sciences are concerned. AB Journalism will become one of the top-priority degrees of the University because the administration will realize how successful and famous its alumni will become in the future. And the batch which will make most of the achievements that will surely make Lualhati proud will mostly be from AB Journalism-Batch ’09, nonetheless.

Henry Revita, Jr., Jan Claude Bonares, and Marinel Joy Lacson will all be venturing into the Call-Center world after graduation. These three will all become big bosses in their respective companies and later on, they will establish their own BPO Company which will be known world wide. Claude, our boy-tulis will also become a publisher of the will-be leading Men’s Magazine in the country while Pike becomes its editor-in-chief and turns out to be a devoted advocate of Safe Sex towards an AIDS-free world. Emjhey, our shining star, will try her luck as a recording artist and she will get her worldwide dose of fame and fortune. Oops, I almost forgot. Claude and Emjhey will get married and have stunning kids who are about to become actors and actresses when they grow up.

Ma. Joevie Guerrerro will practice her profession by writing books. She will first start off as a romance pocket book writer—it will be her stepping stone. And then, she will be internationally recognized because of the series of love-story novels that she will write. These novels will sell like pancakes upon release which will make our Joevie super-rich. However, the love stories that she’ll write won’t seem to unfold in her own love life. Joevie will find difficulty in finding her knight-in-shining-armor but after some years, soon as she retires from being a novelist, she will be head-over-heels with a man she meets on a party and they will live happily-ever-after.

Lydia Luisa H. Del Pilar will of course migrate to the States and get married with his long-time fiancé, Lam. She will be a happy and pretty bride and later on, a contented mom. However, being a mom won’t hider Luidia from practicing her field. She will write for a renowned Mom’s Magazine in the States and become one of its editors. Together with Lam, Luidia will also put up a Café which will have 89 branches worldwide.

Miguel Antonio Manuel Velasco (did I get the name[s] right?) will continue playing as a drummer in his band Dylan even after he graduates a year from now. Dylan will turn out to be a strong and famous band in the future and our Migs will also try his stint as writer in a leading Music Magazine. He will earn lots of dough out of playing in his band and writing which he will set aside to institute a business. Marge and Migs will be on an on/off cycle. However, they will realize their love for each other and finally settle down after years of on-the-rocks relationship. After their wedding, Migs and Marge will never have fights anymore… ever.

Christine Perez will become the Philippine editor of an internationally-published Christian Magazine. Our Kit will be a Christ-bearer, as her name implies, and will be able to inspire millions of lives with her stories. She will write inspirational books, better than Mitch Albom’s and will meet the man of her life which is one of the millions she’s inspired because of her writing.

Julian Miguel Javier will still stay in school for some more years. While being a student, he will persist in joining Cosplay competitions and will be a famous figure in that field. After graduating from college, JM becomes a worldwide Cosplay champion and will gain him a fan base in the country and abroad. This fan base will be like a cult of his fellow Cosplay-ers who’ll worship him like a super star. JM will also become the founder of the Philippine Cosplay Club. His future love life, I couldn’t see right now but I’m pretty sure that he’ll find the man/woman of his dreams.

Girlie Daliva will take on the world armed with her love for sports. She will first become a sports-writer in the Manila Standard Today, then the editor, but she’ll realize that she can do better than that. So our Girlie resigns from the position and writes for a sports magazine. Because of her hosting skills and the name she has already etched in the industry at that time, she’ll get to be invited by a leading television station to host a sports program. Girl will gladly accept the offer. Later on, she gets to be the bride of his college basketball player crush—(ehem) Tagarada.

Heidy Landrito will benefit from her good PR and communication skills. Her outgoing and enthusiastic character will land her into her very own Public Relations Firm, with big time clients ranging from supermarket products, to clothing lines, to highly-acclaimed celebrities, to big-time political figures. However, because of her being really, really busy with her PR firm, our Heidz won’t have time to focus on her family life. Her first marriage will be a failure (the guy’s fault) but eventually, cupid will find Heidz another partner who will give Heidz her first baby. Heidz will then become contented with her life and her family.

Grace Palpal-latoc will finally graduate as a Summer[ian]. Right after her graduation, she will apply as an administrative staff in the University and will replace the position of that woman who gave her the wrong evaluation which was the reason of her not being able to graduate on April 2009. Grace will marry a businessman and have an exuberant life ahead of her.

Precious Francisco will settle down and take care of her baby Francine right after graduation. After two years, she will become a Lifestyle Reporter in one of the country’s leading daily broadsheets. Ian and Cious will put up their own printing house and will earn a fortune out of it.

Neil Darius Javier will become a fashion designer. Months after graduation, Neil wins the lottery jackpot. His 569 million cash prize gives him the opportunity to finally pursue his dream sex-change operation in the United States. However, he suffers from a decision crisis for he thinks that he’s not ready for the consequences that the operation could cause him. So after another three months of intense soul-searching and decision-making, Neil finally makes up his mind and decides that he won’t push through with the operation anymore. Neil Darius learns to love what he already has. In short, Lien Mikee decides to return to his natural biological form but he still continues his passion which is to design clothes and fashion accessories which will make him the highest-paid designer in the world. Neil also becomes a committed advocate against Gay discrimination and equality for all sexes.

Jessica Sandra dela Rosa will become the Human Resources manager of the Manila Standard Today. Our Jeka will also venture on the fashion business. She will put up a boutique which sells fashion items from famous designers. This boutique will have branches world wide. Of course, Neil Javier will be one of the designers showcased by the boutique. Jeka and Athan will also get married and have three kids—all boys (just imagine).

Cathlene Fitz Teretit will continue her love for the arts. She will work as a comic artist and later on gets hired by Pixar as one of its animators. After some years, Fitz returns to her motherland with her talent. She produces the first ever high-quality and well-crafted film animation in Philippine history. This film will get good reviews and will be shown world wide. From then on, Fitz will produce more top-caliber animated movies which will become the toughest competitor of Walt Disney and Pixar when it comes to ticket sales.
This is how I see my classmates ten years from now. It may seem too ambitious and unrealistic but this is where my imagination took me when I looked our future. After ten years, I’d still be looking at old photographs. Our looks would probably have changed by that point in time but I know, the smiles—our smiles whenever the class is together will remain the same.

Regina Camille Makayan will become a school teacher. After her graduation in 2010, she will try her stint as a freelance Lifestyle writer in different magazines and broadsheets and write for online journals. While practicing Journalism, Cams will pursue a Master’s Degree and get some units in Education. When Cams finishes her Master’s, she’ll teach in a school in her hometown, Angono, Rizal which will be put up by his future husband. Ten years from now, the carefree and irresponsible Cams will be gone. She’ll finally be responsible in every aspect of her life because at that point in time, her actions will not only be entirely for her anymore. She’ll learn to do things considering the people around her. Cams will have two kids and have a happy and fulfilling family life.

The future is uncertain. We can plan all we want but are always bound to change. But anyway, just like driving cars, we are the only ones who hold the steering wheels and decide which path[s] we will take. Well, I only wish success to everything we’ll be doing after graduation. And I have to say that four years is just enough time to finish a degree but it is way too short for the friendships that were developed through time.

I’ll miss Journ. I’ll miss everyone. Thanks for the laughs, the lessons, the friendships. I’ll see you around.

            College is the final stage of an individual for his preparation towards the battleground of what they always dub as “the real world.” Here, he gets to choose the field where he wants to specialize in depending on the abilities and talents that he possesses. A Bachelor’s degree is the main goal– a much-coveted diploma is the precious trophy.

            Throughout life, people go through so many hardships. Be it good or bad, there is always something that comes out of the situation. One of the most exciting and scariest moments is graduation. It’s a once in a lifetime experience to walk across the stage, wearing a graduation cap, donning a toga. Graduating has always been a goal and takes a lot of time, effort, dedication, and commitment to achieve.

            In the long run, graduation opens a lot of opportunities for people to succeed. Graduation is the end of studying by the books, the beginning of the new and “more realistic life.” But yet, it definitely is not the conclusion for learning.

            After stepping out of the academe, a person has a lot of choices. It’s like standing in a place, so eager and enthusiastic to walk and take a new step, yet there a lot of paths and you don’t know which one to choose.

            As we leave the academe, everything is bound to change. We will still wake up each morning, but we shall never prepare for school anymore and ask “baon” from our parents. Uniforms will no longer be necessary, and colleagues won’t be like classmates who’d be ready to back you up through thick or thin. The environment will be entirely different. Post-College syndrome—yes, that’s how I call it, is most probably the first problem that each and every one of us would encounter right after graduation. There are just a lot of moments to miss and linger upon… but we must all move on and keep walking.

            A friend told me that after finally finishing school, newly graduates are bound to deal with pressure. As sons and daughters, we always are thankful of our parents for they guided and supported us through our journey as students. They provided us with the things that we needed and with this, we at least want to pay them back for the things they’ve done for us. The “family first” character is one of the commonly followed traits in this country. So newly graduates, grateful as they are, do everything to land on a job immediately so they can prove something to their families and even take on being underemployed. They feel like it’s an obligation. They want to be independent and show everyone that they can already stand on their own… that’s why they become too anxious of finding a job.

... about to take on a new journey towards the "real world"

            The Global Financial Crisis surely is one thing that scares the hell out of every graduating student. This crisis makes persons vulnerable for unemployment. If a person does not have a job, he won’t be able to support himself, the other people who depends upon him, and he couldn’t achieve the life he wants and dreams about which therefore makes him incapable of building himself a good future. The unavailability of jobs also makes underemployment rampant. People would settle for a job that they don’t have expertise in just for the sake of having one… just for the sake of earning money.

            Studying Journalism has always been what I want and what I asked for college. As the years passed, I’ve walked through a lot of roads, encountered countless people, and passed on many hardships and challenges. In 2010, my journey as a journalist in the making will take on a higher step and I’m faced with all these possibilities. Of course, I also am afraid as I don’t know if I’ll be the journalist I’ve always dreamed of becoming. I don’t know if I can be as good as I was when I write for my subjects in school. If I write, will they read? What can I contribute to the world?

            I’d have to say that I couldn’t imagine myself on other professions than being a writer because writing, based on my judgment, is what I do best. This is why competition is what I fear the most. I know that there are a lot of writers outside the university who can write better than I do. And I’d also have to admit that there are companies who assess their applicants based on the College or University where they came from. I mean, I hate that.

            My World Literature professor once mentioned that there are only four “exclusive schools” in the country. That includes University of the Philippines, De La Salle University, University of Santo Tomas, and Ateneo de Manila University. Graduates from these schools are treated as the “cream of the crop” and have more edge than students from other schools. Let’s say that if student A (from AdMU) and student B (from UM) apply for a position in a company, there is no doubt that student A would qualify for the job as the school where he came from has a reputation that it produces top-quality graduates. But in the field of Journalism, things are quite different. Here, you are assessed based on your writing skills. I mean, competition is tight-ER in this field because all people are capable of writing and you don’t necessarily have to finish a degree to become a good writer.

            After the summer of 2010, I don’t know what lies beyond me. Maybe I’ll bum around for a few weeks then I’ll find a job. I don’t know if I’ll be one of those who would be pressured because I wanted to help my family, or if I’ll be on the underemployed list as I work on a call center. I don’t know if I’ll be one of those applicants who’ll be assessed by companies based on the University I graduated from. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to become a real good journalist in practice. But with all these things that I still do not know and will be discovering in the future, the only thing that I can promise is that I will do my best and be deaf and blind to those who want to bring me down. I’ll just do what is right, in the right way. And I’ll be proud as I carry the name of my University with me to success.

            I may not have been one of the “iskolars ng bayan,” or a “Lasalista.” I may not have been from “the A-teneo” or even a “Thomasian” for the least. But I will prove them that a Warrior can also make it… even better. I’ll just show what I can do and write while I can. The only clear thing is that no matter what happens, I’ll make my mark.

            … And I’ll mark the industry with red ink. J

I didn’t know what to think then or was I just confused? Nighttime—time to go home yet I was still with him. Walking towards somewhere I haven’t been to… a foot away from each other, with no contact.

I wasn’t starving during that time. I know I’d have plenty to eat when I get home. No, I just wanted to stay with him, even for a while. Besides, it was a special day for me… a day that only comes once a year to celebrate my existence.

I remember. It was dark and we were walking towards a place where we would have dinner. I didn’t expect that there was a place just as beautiful and simple in that subdivision. He never fails to surprise me. We ate, narrated some stories, and talked the day that was. Okay, I was happy… happy being with him. Though at that point in time, I wasn’t sure how long that HAPPY-ness of mine would last, if I really had that reason to be happy, or I was just being too pessimistic.

But the uncertainty felt good.

After dinner, we then walked towards the highway, to get a ride home. The BER-months were on the corners so the night was cold enough to make us wear out jackets. As cool winds brushed our cheeks as we walked, I kept my silence, focusing at how pretty the stars were during that night. I didn’t want to think about anything. If I was already someone special for him or what, fearing that my thoughts would just disappoint me. He, being that cheerful person as always, was asking me about constellations. Yeah, I love looking at the stars but I was just not good at looking for patterns that made up constellations or whatever. I told him I was not a pretty good star gazer and all.

He kept on pointing to the stars, making up patterns like the big dipper, Leo (my sign). But I was not able to distinguish the images he made up from the stars. Ashamed of my poor astronomical skills, I just pretended that I was seeing whatever he was seeing and bluffed about whatever I knew about stars, as if I really knew much. Heck.

So there.

I didn’t expect to be at that place that same night. I’ve already had my schedule for that day; work with our thesis, go to school, head-off home right after, and have dinner with my family. But he has always surprised me.

Actually, maybe for some it would seem ordinary or normal to go out for dinner with someone. But you know, I’ve been in a lot of dinners, with different people. But that night, was just special. I felt fine. And for the first time since I’ve become old enough to celebrate my birthday without clowns, parlor games, and balloons, I finally have concluded that I’ve had the best birthday of my life. The way I exactly wanted to celebrate it ever since I got my brain working—simple, without being the center of attention, without the glitz and glamour of having to wear something out of the usual, without all the material things, and with the person I’ve been looking for the longest time which I already found. And you know what? I felt better than ever, better than anything. It was simply the best. And I was finally happy.

If I was going to be asked about the best event that ever happened to me last 2008, I would gladly say that it was my birthday, being as simple as ever, yet more wonderful than anything I’ve ever felt. That time, I was not sure what we really were… Or if there was this chance that WE could be US. You know. But I was not that troubled because whatever might’ve happened, I’d be happy for what we have. If ever we didn’t finish up together, or if things ended badly, we’d still remain friends… as what we’ve been before, during our high school days.

Actually, it was very unusual for me to talk about or write about these things. Especially if I knew firsthand that people would be reading this. But I guess, at this age, it is normal to talk about how you feel. Because you know that what you feel is right. It’s easier to find the courage to let people know how important a person is to you if you are happy… when you yourself know that you have won that person’s heart.

There were a lot of great things that came by me last year. I could say when I got out of the doors of ’08; I was a changed person, of course, better.

Doubtless indeed, i can say right now that there is already an US. And I’ve never felt happier.

LOVE has reasons which reasons cannot understand.

            I slept last night wearing my pajamas.

            It’s already cold, damn yeah. Whenever I take a bath without warming the water lately, I always wind up with the tips of my fingers already quite purplish because of the iciness of the water coming out of the faucet. I don’t usually sleep with my pajamas on; I do it with        

The lights at the TYK graden say it right-- It's Christmas!

shorts and a really loose shirt. But in the coming days, I think putting a pajama on before drowsing off wouldn’t be enough anymore. Maybe I’d need a sweater over my loose shirt and of course, a thicker and larger blanket to cover me up while i sleep.

            So there, I noticed my wall calendar hanging just below the light switch. It’s already December 17, eight fast days before Christmas.

            Ever since I was a kid, Christmas has always been the main event for me. I always anticipated the presents, the food, the Christmas carols, the midnight mass, my family gathering up to celebrate. As I grew up, I used Christmas to depict the great days that come about me. My birthday is my Christmas, my first day of school is Christmas. Whenever my heart felt like thumping its way out of my chest because of extreme bliss is  already a Christmas for me.

            You see? I might not look so appreciative but I do get delighted by even the smallest things that come my way.

            EVERYDAY could be my Christmas because everyday, I receive gifts—good and bad. J

            The worst gift that I can consider receiving is the nostalgia I always go through whenever the Christmas season arrives—the longing of a child to grow up with a father beside her.

            When I was in fifth grade, my dad left to work in the Middle East. Okay. I was young, and somehow I can consider myself as a daddy’s girl way back. I remember. That moment he left, I was doing my assignment. I was writing something then, trying to keep myself busy. My dad was telling me that I was already a big girl so I should learn to take care of myself and other people. That I should guide myself, obey mom, look after my three sisters, because he would be going somewhere and he won’t be seeing us for quite a time.

            I would never forget that day…

            I’ve always been stoic in showing how I feel towards other people, even if he was my dad.  So I just said “opo” (yes) and didn’t even lift my head up to look at my dad or perhaps give him a tight hug for he is leaving. I just nodded to respond to what he was saying while I kept my eye on what I was writing on the paper.

            As my dad said his goodbyes, he walked towards me and patted me on my head. I kept my eye on the paper, pretended that I was really writing something.  Then, he went out of the living room and eventually walked out of the house. I was seated on a table near the window and I gazed at him while he was walking away. I stared at him while he was waiting for a cab to take him to the airport (he never wanted anyone of us to accompany him in his departure, it made him sadder). I looked at dad– his back, with the two big and heavy traveling bags lying on the ground beside him as he waited for a cab. I kept my eyes on him as a cab stopped in front of him, as the cab driver put his bags inside the compartment, as the cab drove away.

            Then he’s gone.

            I watched the scenes in a slow-motion mode, just like in the movies (it happens, really). Tell you what, when he walked towards me and patted me on my head, everything just flashed back in sepia—the happy times, the happy times, and the happy times. At that moment, I had no idea on how it would be like the next morning… having breakfast without him sitting with us on the dining table. I felt like crying. I wanted to hug him and say how I would be missing him. I kept on holding my tears back. I forced my lips to form a smile but it just trembled. Ironic. That was one the hardest things I’ve ever done and I did that not primarily because I’m not used to expressing how I really feel… I just didn’t want dad to see that I was crying because it would just make it harder for him to leave.

            I stayed seated trying to do something just for the sake of appearing as if I was really doing something more important than hugging my dad and telling him to also take care of himself and that I will miss him. I fixed my eyes on the paper and I noticed… tears.

                 My family spent our first two Christmases with him missing before he came back. And then, he came home yearly for Christmas and New Year. After a month’s vacation, he would then return to work. We’ve been like this for ten years already. I know you would say that I should have got used to it by now. But to tell you, each year, whenever dad leaves, I always cried… but they never saw me.Christmas has become a season for him to come home. But it never made me happier. I always hated it whenever he comes home just to leave us again. Yes I know… he does it for us. For this country is just so poor to provide jobs for its citizens. But it made my family somehow always incomplete. You know, celebrating birthdays, graduations, and anniversaries without him on the souvenir pictures. It kills me.          

So my dad was always far away from us, literally. And we are

Old, faded pictures. I've been waiting for the return of our family's SUPERman--hoping that times like these could still be rehashed and my moments with dad wouldn't be as blurred as these pictures anymore.

always worried about him, if he was doing fine in his work, if he ever felt homesick. I always included him in my prayers because I wanted him to be safe. I told myself, if ever something bad happens to him, my family would really go nuts.

            Then, something bad happened. He met an accident. I never had the courage to ask my mom about the details but I know that he almost died. Mom said that he was confined in the hospital for a month. What was even worse was that those Arabs threw him to jail when he got out of the hospital, blaming him for everything. So those bastards put my dad into jail. With the help of my dad’s employer, he got out of the mess he never created. Damn. The worst? We weren’t able to do anything to help him because he was so far away from us. That hurts.

            I was so close to my dad before and he was like my closest friend who tried to understand me for just about everything (more than mom did). But the distance had really set the “distance” of my dad from me. I grew up without him and got so used to not having him around. And at times, I wish that he would never come home anymore because I can’t remember how to live with a father. And at this age, I don’t want to adjust.

            Okay. I haven’t really given someone a bad gift. Not intentionally. For me, if you hate someone, you don’t give him presents whatever it could be. Because you’re not supposed to give presents to those you dislike, really– unless you wrap up a time bomb and give it to them. *bad

            As for me, I have received a lot of bad gifts but I consider the blank space that the leaving of my dad has etched on me as the best of the worst.

“There’s a fruitcake for everybody. There’s a fruitcake for everyone. There are B’sides to every story, if you decide to have some fun.”

            But anyway, the worst always turns out to be the best in the end… at least for me.

            Dad? In a week’s time, he’ll be home. For good, that is. He decided to rest and just put up a business here so we’ll always have him around. He told us that he’s not getting any younger and he wants to stay with us. That’s good news… the best Christmas gift for this year.

            I’ve written that I already couldn’t recall a life with a father. But perhaps, this Christmas could be a chance for me to remember and maybe, if it’s still not too late, the empty spaces would be filled up.

            No one will be missing anymore—in the dining table, outings, and in the family picture.#

            Bad. Worse. Worst.

            Hmm. I believe that we are born sinners. As what I can recall from our dear Bible, the human race have started when good old Eve was convinced by the snake to take a bite from the fruit (apple?) or whatever fruit you may call it… then we humans started to multiply.

            Yup, we all sin. Nobody has not ever done something bad in his entire life. Even the Pope had committed sins, I bet. I believe that nobody has ever been so holy in his entire life.

            I’ve always been a bad girl ever since. When I was a kid, I recall having the doctors sew my sister’s head for the reason that I pushed her off our bed because we fought over a box of colored pencils. Once, I also made her have a haircut (even if she didn’t want to) because I stucked up a toy mixer onto her hair and my mom couldn’t really remove it.

            When I was in elementary, I slapped my seatmate for no reason at all. I mean, I don’t really know why I did that. All I can recall was during that moment; I just wanted to slap somebody. So I did. My seatmate (Gerald was the name) cried but I didn’t care. And this one time, I can also recall, I intentionally put my foot on the way of my classmate. So he ended up stumbling in front of me. He, (Erickson, this time) also cried but I pretended that nothing happened.

            At those two times, I ended up being scolded by our old teacher. It felt so bad to be nagged in front of the class but I didn’t care. But you know what? The only good thing about those incidents was that the news of my being a real bad girl in school weren’t able to reach my parents’ knowing.

            Okay. I am not a bully or something. I just felt like doing those things at those moments. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone or make someone cry. Believe me. Whenever I see a classmate crying because of me, I feel this sting within and I partly regret what I did. But it was always too late to take my actions back. I didn’t want to be mean. I just wanted to have fun. But I always ended up being mean anyway.

            Anyhow, those are childish stuff. I am 19 now and I can say that I already have this deeper sense of maturity in me. I mean, I already dropped doing those dire things to my classmates and all because I’m not supposed to keep doing silly acts at this age.

            But you know, as we grow older, we always have this tendency to develop the deeper, meaner, and darker sides of our personalities. And heck, yeah, I am normal!  So I also do have this other Camille inside of me that I bet, no one would ever like to see or meet.

            I sin a lot. I hate a lot.  I curse a lot.

            I don’t like people wanting to block my way or meddle with my life and all. I abhor hypocrites and those people who have this “SIM card” personalities. I mean those people who always wanted to fit in and “insert” themselves so they could be in-the-know of just about anything and everything that happens around them– even if they have absolutely nothing to do with those things. Talk about stupid people. *swish

            I am not so holy—NOT really holy, or religious or whatever you may call it.

            I don’t go to church. I don’t hear mass. I’ve hated priests since I was a child. I despise them because they always acted as if they were the holiest bunch of bastards in this world. Well, I don’t know. I don’t know much about them. I am not an atheist or something. I’m just not so convinced by the Catholic Church. But yeah, I know God and I’m a believer of Him… just not the church part of being a Catholic.

            I figured. Since God is omnipresent, He could hear me talking to Him at anytime of the day—wherever I may be. I don’t see it necessary to go to church, walking on my knees to ask for repentance and salvation and promising not to sin again. Heck! For me, the church is so full of wooden statues that had those spooky marble eyes and seemed to be watching over my movements all the time. They scare the hell out of me. Really.  I don’t even know if all those saints would look the same if I ever I see them in person. So that’s why I don’t go to church to hear mass. I’m good with praying all by myself.

            I wish a lot… for other people to disappear from the face of this Earth because they don’t do me any good. I wish for them to suffer, to succumb miserably to fatal diseases, to meet terrible accidents…

            I wish that they could all die for being mean to me and for giving me nothing but pain. For leaving me during the times that I most needed them. For stabbing me millions of times on my back. For taking away things that are supposed to be mine. For making me cry. For making me suffer the pain that almost crushed my insides and left me broken each day. For making my life miserable while I was with them. For bringing the hell—the worst out of me.

            Pain. All those agonizing experiences almost killed me. It made want to die. To give up… to make the pounding of my heart just stop. They made me want to disappear. But see? I am STRONGER now and a lot better than what I was when they were still with me. And hell I figured, why should I make my life more miserable when I can instead make theirs? So everyday, I wish that all those people who’ve damaged me would live a wretched life. I don’t care about them. I want them to die!

            I know it’s all too bad to wish for someone to disappear or die. But sometimes, at certain moments, I wish to gather up all the guts in my system to make someone die… using my own hands. But I was always too yellow about it.

            I’ve counted. Honestly, for three times already, I’ve plotted to kill three people—an uncle, another family member, and a former lover. I mean, I’ve thought about how I would bring them to the gates of Lucy and all and how I would dispose their lifeless bodies so that I could come out clean of my crime.

            I thought of maybe pretending that I would hug them and when my arms were already wrapped around them, I would bring out my knife and just stab them to death. I think that would be sweet because of the ‘embrace’ part. Or maybe putting poison onto their food or pushing a pillow on their faces while they were asleep so they would pass out of air and wake up no-more. After that, maybe I would chop their bodies and throw the parts to different places or I would just burn their houses down so no one would know that they were murdered.

            Yeah, those thoughts were really evil. Really. And though those three people who happened to top my ‘hate list’ are still alive, it also makes me glad that I’ve always controlled myself at those times that I SO wanted to kill them. For Chrissake! I don’t want to wash my hands with their blood because their blood stinks.

            Okay, enough of my evil side. This composition is getting too long and I might bore the hell out of you. Anyway, I’m just being honest here. You can judge me if you like, I don’t care. You also have your own dark side and I can also judge you as I read yours and you couldn’t do anything about it. *peace!

“He who has not sinned cast the first stone!”

– from somewhere in the Bible :p